He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
