why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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