I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
