The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
