Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
