Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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