last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
