Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
