Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When are your genitals available?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
