you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
