I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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