I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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