He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
