My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
