i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
