Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He passed out mid-signature
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
