Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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