Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
