So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want to make out with him forever
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
