Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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