Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
