If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
