I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
