I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
