sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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