it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
