If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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