I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk is not a location!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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