my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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