I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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