Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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