I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
