Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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