New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
