If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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