im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
