How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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