Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Blood and glitter go together right?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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