I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
