You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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