She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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