upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
