i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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