life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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