My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
