What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
