and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
