we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
birth control should be required to get into college
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
