Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
