The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
did i just pee glitter
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize