Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
