I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
