Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
