i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
