you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
