He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
