Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
