i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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