I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
