So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
