Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
