i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
